Inspired by, and dedicated to....

Q: How do you keep chief hOLTGRAVER busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

A certain wEST vIEW police chief retires and decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,"I think I'm planting them too deep."

cHIEF hOLTGRAVER excitedly tells his wife, "Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!"
"Is that a record, honey?" his wife asked.
"It must be," said the cop. "It says three to five years on the box."

cHIEF hOLTGRAVER pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says
"I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the wEST vIEW Policemen's Ball."
hOLTGRAVER responded that "wEST vIEW police don't have balls, maam." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove off. Even hOLTGRAVER
doesn't win them all.

Why did the cHIEF hOLTGRAVER have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!.

cHIEF hOLTGRAVER plugged his power strip back into itself and could not understand
for the life of him, why his computer would not turn on.

``Do you know anything about this fax-machine?''

Police dispacher
``A little. What's wrong?''

``Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet
and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.''

Police dispacher
``How did you load the sheet?''

``It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident,
so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.''

Hello, this is cHief hOLTGRAVER, wEST vIEW police department.

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, tcHIEF hOLTGRAVER ansd crew descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil!

This here's Floyd....did hOLTGRAVER come?"


"Did he chop your firewood?"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

hOLTGRAVER and a friend went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The friend said to hOLTGRAVER, "I'll bet you \$5 that No. 2 will win the race." hOLTGRAVER agreed to the bet, and the horse won. After the movie, the friend said, "I have a confession to make, I saw the movie yesterday." hOLTGRAVER replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

There was this guy from wEST vIEW walking down the road one day and he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.

hOLTGRAVER: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"

Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."

hOLTGRAVER: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."

Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Chuckie if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you 'both' of them"

hOLTGRAVER: "uhhh...5"

Billy Joe: "Nope"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that chief hOLTGRAVER had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.

Early attempts to introduce hand grenades into the wEST vIEW police force were none too successful. hOLTGRAVER was asked to pull the pin, count to ten and then throw the grenade. Trouble was, he needed both hands to count to ten, and he would store the grenade between his legs in the meantime...

Support: "wEST vIEW computer support. May I help you?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word."

Support: "What sort of trouble?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."

Support: "Went away?"

hOLTGRAVER: "They disappeared."

Support: "Humm so what does your screen look like now?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Nothing."

Support: "Nothing?"

hOLTGRAVER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Support: "Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

ChOLTGRAVER: "How do I tell?"

Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

hOLTGRAVER: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

hOLTGRAVER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you it wouldn't accept anything I type."

Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

hOLTGRAVER: "What's a monitor?"

Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

hOLTGRAVER: "I don't know."

Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Yes, I think so."

Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

hOLTGRAVER: "Yes, it is."

Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

hOLTGRAVER: "Okay, here it is."

Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

hOLTGRAVER: "I can't reach."

Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's because it's dark."

Support: "Dark?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Yes, the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."

hOLTGRAVER: "I can't."

Support: "No? Why not?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Because there's a power outage."

Support: "A power……A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

hOLTGRAVER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Support: "Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

hOLTGRAVER:: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

hOLTGRAVER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"